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Current Location:somewhere deep within my heart. crying
Subject:5 days till 22 and yet im pissed
Time:09:14 am
Current Mood:pissed offpissed off
this is a rant for everybody out there. Im am Pissed beyond the word. it appears that the name Fairy, Largo, Benson, and Chrono are all one. and for a while i gave up hope of who i am. but only a few days remain for this body to get older. my mind younger, and my soul deader.

now this brings me to my next point. my past. over 21 years have past since my birth. and i have caused pain in the world. pain to others. pain to myself. and i am srry for all the pain i have caused. my past is mine. no one else. no one can bring up my past to hurt me right. wrong. they bring it up to hurt my wife. rachel. over the last two days my wife is be in pain. why cause of people like this.....


Cheryl McCandless: you asked me why would I need someone like peter...
I want to ask you the same qestion
rachel housley: he isnt like that with me
rachel housley: we just fight
rachel housley: but thats my fault too
Cheryl McCandless: no instead he keeps you around to beat on you
rachel housley: he doesnt beat me
rachel housley: i its sex
rachel housley: he never ever hit me in anger
rachel housley: tho i have
Cheryl McCandless: I have some friends who live on that base who know
both of you... so dont try and feed me that bullshit
rachel housley: umm i dont fraking live on base
rachel housley: so dont give me tat
rachel housley: that
rachel housley: i dont know any army ppl here
rachel housley: i dont have nothing to do with the army
Cheryl McCandless: really then, so I suppose you magically forgot
rachel housley: connet?
rachel housley: you mean conner
rachel housley: which i only tlked to online once sence i got married
rachel housley: he doesnt even live here
rachel housley: he was kicked out the army
rachel housley: so dont ty
rachel housley: try
Cheryl McCandless: so you do know people who have lived there?
rachel housley: lived here
rachel housley: yes pass tence
rachel housley: and conner has never been with us while we were married
rachel housley: so ur blowing out yur butt
rachel housley: i dont even know peters unit
Cheryl McCandless: thats pretty sad if you dont know his unit since
youre married to him
rachel housley: no i make a paont to not know
rachel housley: as do some other wifes
rachel housley: so mind your own business
rachel housley: i dont even have a military id
Cheryl McCandless: whatever... I dont even want to go through this with
you because you dont know when to shut up... plus how do you plan on
proving any of what your saying to be true?
rachel housley: why do i need to prove shit to u
rachel housley: ur nobody to us
Cheryl McCandless: to you
rachel housley: no to peter to
rachel housley: he doesnt like u
Cheryl McCandless: you're jealous cuz your husband is lying to you
rachel housley: no he isnt
rachel housley: i know for a fact he isnt
rachel housley: and lying about what
rachel housley: what the fuck u talking about
Cheryl McCandless: the fact that he hates me is just a lie to you to
shut your bitchy mouth up cuz apparently you never shut up
Cheryl McCandless: about anything... including me
Cheryl McCandless: so you must have a secret thing for me
rachel housley: umm no i didnt say shit about u
rachel housley: he did
rachel housley: or how would i know u messaged him
rachel housley: huh
rachel housley: hes in freaking iraq
rachel housley: stupid
Cheryl McCandless: because your a snooping bitch
rachel housley: umm how
rachel housley: did i get on his computer there huh
rachel housley: no
Cheryl McCandless: there is such a thing called message archive
rachel housley: think u dumb bitch
rachel housley: umm thats saved on the computer dumb ass not ur yahoo
Cheryl McCandless: plus it wouldnt be far from the truth that he told
you... just to piss you off
rachel housley: riiight
rachel housley: he doesnt like
rachel housley: you
rachel housley: and
rachel housley: he just cant be mean to ppls faces
Cheryl McCandless: you cant get enough can you?
Cheryl McCandless: trying to put me down n shit?
rachel housley: your the one pushing me
rachel housley: go away
Cheryl McCandless: youre just like him, thriving on trying to make
other people hurt
Cheryl McCandless: I could have gone away with a single button but you
wanted to keep going at it
rachel housley: no ur the one doing that to me
Cheryl McCandless: its called ignore
rachel housley: good leave me alone
rachel housley: ur called me stupid first
rachel housley: and i didnt say shit to u
Cheryl McCandless: well maybe because you do it by yourself
Cheryl McCandless: I was smiply stating a fact
rachel housley: just because of my typing
rachel housley: im not stupid
rachel housley: if so how did i grad college
Cheryl McCandless: you cant prove that to me
rachel housley: just go away belive me or not he doesnt like you and he
isnt lieing to me now for real never message us alone i dont have to
prove shit to u .... bye
Cheryl McCandless: even if you did it was probably some private college
that mommy and daddy made you go to
rachel housley: no skank i payed for it
rachel housley: go away
Cheryl McCandless: all you have to do is press the ignore button
rachel housley: i shouldnt have to should i
rachel housley: now go away
Cheryl McCandless: duh you dumb bitch
rachel housley: im showing peter our whole convo
Cheryl McCandless: good
rachel housley: it will just make you look like a bitch
Cheryl McCandless: I am one, to you
rachel housley: well anyways i am number one in peters life so why
would he care about u
Cheryl McCandless: because people care about other people wheather
their spouse likes it or not
rachel housley: he doesnt care about u why cant you get this trew ur
Cheryl McCandless: good, now that we have your side of the story... and
his... I can be happy... and on my way
rachel housley: ok do that i was done with u so long ago
Cheryl McCandless: yeah right, thats why you kept talking to me right?
rachel housley: u keep pissing me off
rachel housley: telling me my husband is lying to me
rachel housley: look skank he dont fucking like u so leave us alone
Cheryl McCandless: yeah how would you know, love is blind
Cheryl McCandless: it doesnt matter if he likes me or not... its fun
picking on you anyways
rachel housley: why
Cheryl McCandless: because youre a bitch
rachel housley: no i am not
rachel housley: u are
Cheryl McCandless: lol omg
Cheryl McCandless: thats origional
Cheryl McCandless: totally classic
rachel housley: u think its fun to try to break marriges up
Cheryl McCandless: this has nothing to do with peter
Cheryl McCandless: its me and you... because youre jealous
rachel housley: of u hahahaha
Cheryl McCandless: and mean... so Im getting you back
rachel housley: ur fucking ugly
Cheryl McCandless: riight
Cheryl McCandless: and you're peaches n cream right?
Cheryl McCandless: fuck that
rachel housley: i am back to the weight i was and all that so yeah im
not bad looking now
Cheryl McCandless: quick! think real hard of something mean to say
rachel housley: so yeah go away and i cant fucking block u
rachel housley: thats why i havnt yet
Cheryl McCandless: man, are you ever going to say something even
remotely intelligent? cuz your stupidity valve is still leaking
rachel housley: how is saying .... i cant block u dumb?
rachel housley: i fucking cant
Cheryl McCandless: because you can
rachel housley: im on my side kick and cant do that
Cheryl McCandless: and youre too lazy to even get on your regular
ysn... to ignore me
Cheryl McCandless: and I thought I was lazy
rachel housley: the computer is freaking broke
Cheryl McCandless: and you just prove to me that its possible that you
pretend to be peter
rachel housley: how
Cheryl McCandless: sidekick?
Cheryl McCandless: duh
rachel housley: what the fuck are you talking about this time
rachel housley: ok and
rachel housley: im on my cell hows that prove shit
Cheryl McCandless: if you were on your cell it would come up as you
being mobile
Cheryl McCandless: that and you dont type very fast when you're on your
Cheryl McCandless: so you're a liar
rachel housley: no its a fucking side kick do u even fucking know what
one is ?
rachel housley: its a type of phone
Cheryl McCandless: yeah
rachel housley: oh wait white trash cant afford it
Cheryl McCandless: no I got something better
Cheryl McCandless: its a fuckin PDA phone
Cheryl McCandless: with the wireless ear piece
rachel housley: i have a fucking slither too
rachel housley: so piss off
Cheryl McCandless: lol whatever
rachel housley: slivr
Cheryl McCandless: hahahahahahga
Cheryl McCandless: hahahahahahaha
rachel housley: right i do
Cheryl McCandless: hahahahahahahahaha
rachel housley: well what ever go away
Cheryl McCandless: you first
Cheryl McCandless: ha you couldnt do it could you?
Cheryl McCandless: still typing away
Cheryl McCandless: thats better
Cheryl McCandless: dont go away mad
Cheryl McCandless: just go away
rachel housley: thats it im showing peter and getting u for harassment
Cheryl McCandless: Im not harrassing him
rachel housley: u are his wife
rachel housley: which hed do anything for
Cheryl McCandless: psh you did it to me first
rachel housley: no u messaged me stupid
rachel housley: both times
Cheryl McCandless: not before...
rachel housley: yes u did
rachel housley: i didnt have ur fucking screen name
Cheryl McCandless: no I was replying to your message therefore I
couldnt have been the first one
Cheryl McCandless: you got it from peters old sn
rachel housley: i have in the archive u messaged me first
Cheryl McCandless: ohh cry me a river
rachel housley: im showing peter and if u message him or me again we
will get u for harassment
rachel housley: now fucking leave us alone
Cheryl McCandless: NFP
rachel housley: ?
Cheryl McCandless: No fucking problem?
Cheryl McCandless: Ill leave you two alone
rachel housley: thank you thats all i had asked
rachel housley: thank you
rachel housley: now bye
Cheryl McCandless: Ima put you on ignore so I dont get the temptation
rachel housley: thank you
rachel housley: good luck in life wish u happiness
rachel housley: bye
Cheryl McCandless: bye


thoughts anyone. well i have some fucking thoughts on this.
one. why is that people play with my wife like this. why. what did she do to any of you. there are others like this. miss with my wife. what did she score the beaner and not you guys. what did i do. i know. i raised your hopes and dreams and then shatter them. well for all you bastards that think that. aim your hate toward me. not her. let your anger flow towards me. im the one who sinned. why take her blood.

so i ask. as a failure. please leave her alone. leave me alone. no more. lets stop this. this fighting. this oh she got him but i want him to. its like a fucking anime. but this is real. and things in anime are not.

i ask again. everyone leave us alone.

largo. fairy. chrono and benson
signing off
comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment

Current Location:fucking iraq
Subject:what am I? Who am I
Time:06:28 pm
Current Mood:pissed offpissed off
ok this is a rant that i was thinking about for like six hours due to the fact that i had to gun on eight. sucks i know. anyways.. who am I.

my name is not mine, my life is not mine, and yet i judge others. i hurt those who desevre nothing but love. i feed on the pain of others. then in a way what am I. am i human to have such thoughts like i do? i think about my life and the things that i have done. the pain i have caused other and how much better it felt to see them fall.
why am i here then, to see the suffer of others, it that is true to i deserve to be happy? while other poeple mock me, hate me, detest me, why do i enjoy those feelings? in a why this thought \hads been there hunting me ever since my first suffering.
so i ask... should i be allowed to live?
do i deserve happiness?

tell me.. for anger holds thoes words to the computer. i know this is what i think deep down but after so long can on buttomless cup overflow?
damn it... somebody has my anwers. but no will tell me how to hold them.

why do the tears of others bring a smile to my face. tell me somebody.

the lone beaner
comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

Subject:when does the cheese eat the mouse?
Time:07:10 pm
Current Mood:aggravatedaggravated
well.. well. what do i have to rant about tonight. i know. my life.

it appears to me that my dad, whom i love very, very much, just got out of the hosptial. due to some blood cots in is legs and lung. he is ok now. but i worry. will i be able to see him again. i dont know. i want to. there are alot of things i havent said to my dad yet. and i wish i did. my mom is ok. it was her birthday on the first. like always i missed it.

oh and she wished me a new year and a merry christmas. but most of all she was happy that rachel and i have lasted our first year of marriage. i dont know. i know my mom and i have had some fights of the years, but i know she loves me. i call it tough love.

now... why is it that other people cant see that. hell rachel wont even talk to my mom. i dont know. i talk to everyone on her side of the family. but she cant talk to mine. there must be something wrong with that. not that im mad about but, but i should be right?

well the weather here took a shit. rain nonstop for many days now. i love the rain.i makes me think of home.

now here is something i think is fucked up.

if i married someone in the military i would be sure to be reafy to talk to them. i would sleep when i know they wont call or try to talk. i think it would make them happy to talk to me from over there. well it seems that most people i kmow dont think that way anymore. why. i dont know.

i dont have all the answers to my questions. i never will. but i will have my thoughts. and my ideas. i may come off as a jerk, a lier, and everything else under the sun. why i dont know.

but i am a very thoughtfull person when it comes to theoryies on the way of life.

comments: Leave a comment

Subject:and here i am once more
Time:05:48 pm
well well well

where do i start on my rant today.

well it seems to me that the poeple here are not all that bad. some of them are nice. some of them are cool. but for me i think its just we dont take time to understand each other anymore.

i wished i lived in a world of anime or something like that. i really do. why. i dont know

anyways. i miss my wife, rachel i love you

i miss my friends. all of them

but for me to move on. im fine. the weather here is not all bad. there are times where it sucks. there are times were i want to throw in the towel. but i wont. not till i get this done right. why
cause i want to be able to tell my kids that i helped a nation when it needed it.

other then that. there is not much to say

rachel again i lve you

later all

the beaner
comments: Leave a comment

Time:06:58 pm
Current Mood:creativecreative
hey hey hey.. im here alive and im happy. <sings anywho.. im falling in love with her again shes my light in my dark dark heart her smiles brings me back... i could sing a millions word and never tell her how much i love her she my life and my soul she's my everything.. < im sooooooooo bored anyways that was for you rachel. i love you very very much.
comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

Current Music:welcome to my life- simple plan
Subject:' i hate everything about you'
Time:10:35 pm
Current Mood:angryangry
well it seems that thinking about my wife can get me into trouble out here. why i dont know. why cause i care that my wife is sick? or the fact that we once talked about leaving each other?

well for the pass week or so those are the kinda talks what my wife and i have been having. why cause im dumb and do dumb things. so my mind has been wondering from work and my wife. wondering if i will come home to loveing arms, or an empety house. so my work has been slowed. i dont work well with others. i know that. i dont seem to like teams like these.

ok yes i got stabed by my wife. i love my wife. it seems weird but you would have to know my wife. well cause of that i was to be kicked out of the army. after i fought my chapter i went to C co. but the SFC Bowling of E co. Detla didnt want me, Charlie gave me up to Gabe.

no.. i was choosen at the last minute ass. thats what. well other then that, to him and what he has heard. im not a 'solider' i dont take things to heart.

i do. i love this job. he talks about making my five or earnign it. i dont care. i have a wife back home who im always thinking of. anyways

today i had to change some batties. it took me a little longer then normal. why cause someone lost the damn cables. so i had to go find some. never did but i worked with it. well i got the tank running and then a shit load of faults come up and i started to work them off. but to him it seemed like i was just fucking off. anyways i got my ass handed to me.

and so im ranting
pissed now cause i have guard every day till futher notice. which starts at 9 am to 13 30. not long but it will be a hinder in my side.

and so.. this is been a very crappy day...

it just seems that no one understands that somepeople are just different that the main stream of life. i am.

i love you umi.
comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

Subject:a very very long talk
Time:12:02 am
Current Mood:happyhappy
MexicansPet: are you dumb
MexicansPet: why else would i say get on aim
insanelargo: um no pissed.. mad and hurt all over again..and im rant once more in my lj...
MexicansPet: other then to talk to you
MexicansPet: ok well here it is
MexicansPet: we are over
MexicansPet: and i am moving home
MexicansPet: ok
MexicansPet: you always make it seem my fault
MexicansPet: and i am dont suffering to make you happy
insanelargo: um i didnt make this your fault...
insanelargo: you made it mine
MexicansPet: yes you did
MexicansPet: iam the slut
MexicansPet: cuz i like someone else
MexicansPet: so we are over
MexicansPet: hello
insanelargo: hi
MexicansPet: stop being a ass
insanelargo: im not
MexicansPet: well
MexicansPet: tell me
MexicansPet: what
MexicansPet: you
MexicansPet: want
MexicansPet: peter
MexicansPet: :-X
insanelargo: im not sure what i want anymore
MexicansPet: well think
insanelargo: i cant
MexicansPet: or i am gone for good
MexicansPet: do you want to keep me
MexicansPet: or you want me to just go
insanelargo: um.. lets see.. i begged to god on my lj for you to stay.. but it seems god wishes to fuck me once more
MexicansPet: no peter
MexicansPet: it isnt god
MexicansPet: did you really expect to keep a girl with the way you treat her
MexicansPet: i hope to god chels didnt have to go trew this
insanelargo: sorry what was that.. i had to close my window.. my lj rant updated and close my window
MexicansPet: MexicansPet: did you really expect to keep a girl with the way you treat her
insanelargo: um no
MexicansPet: then why are you all hurt
insanelargo: but did you expect to shatter ones heart over and over again in the same place
MexicansPet: ummm with the way you treat me i dont care
MexicansPet: you hurt me
MexicansPet: more then u think
insanelargo: then to you two wrongs make a right
insanelargo: or that two tears is more then four
MexicansPet: what
MexicansPet: you make no sence
MexicansPet: its my fault
insanelargo: think rachel
insanelargo: your the smart one here
MexicansPet: cuz i want to leave a bad marrige
insanelargo: not me
MexicansPet: ?????????????/
insanelargo: im the high school drop out kid who had nothing.. so.. tell me.. i know i made mistakes.. and ive said sry countless times. and yet you still hold on. i have asked you to forgive me. you havent. when you asked for forgivness.. i forgave you.
insanelargo: im wrong. i always am
insanelargo: your right and you know it
insanelargo: but not a slut.
insanelargo: no.. never...
insanelargo: i may say that.. but i have never meant it
insanelargo: and dont im yet
MexicansPet: peter there is a line
MexicansPet: of forgivenes
insanelargo: dont im yet
MexicansPet: i may forgive
insanelargo: dont im yet
MexicansPet: but not forget
insanelargo: dont im yet
insanelargo: no.. to forgive is to forget. both must be there for one to truly love. i have called you names. i have done things that are wrong.
insanelargo: but i have never, never once stopped thinking of you and how you are doing in this time of duty.
insanelargo: i have never wanted some of those things to happen. there are alot of things in your lifetime that i would never wish on anyone.
insanelargo: but look at me rachel...
insanelargo: <see that.. it saids INSANE... am i am... insanelargo: is not your fault.. its mine. always will be for the rest of my life insanelargo: my life is broken in two. insanelargo: pain and love insanelargo: both you and i cause both insanelargo: but... for me its harder to control. cause you used to cut your self to help with the pain. what did i do. nothing i bottled it all up and then drank myself stupid insanelargo: i know..or did drugs.. run insanelargo: i ran insanelargo: and i dont want to anymore insanelargo: all i want is to run to you insanelargo: im trying insanelargo: are you? insanelargo: to me no... insanelargo: why... insanelargo: there are reason insanelargo: like this one that you decided to tell me right before i had a mission. not only was i pissed off the whole day. but i could do anything right either. i did dumb things today that could have gotten someone killed. and now i have to pay. im on duty 24/7 till told otherwise insanelargo: what do you think. you think i love you.. i do. you think i trust you.. i do. you think i want you to be happy.. i do. you think i want you to be there when i come home. yes.. i do insanelargo: i want you in my life rachel... MexicansPet: well ok here listen MexicansPet: i will not act on this MexicansPet: ok MexicansPet: but you and i MexicansPet: are not a couple MexicansPet: you were the first one in my heart MexicansPet: and you have dibs MexicansPet: but MexicansPet: you have to earn it back MexicansPet: ok MexicansPet: i am not going to lie MexicansPet: i really like this guy MexicansPet: like a lot MexicansPet: but i love yo MexicansPet: u MexicansPet: but you dont deserve it insanelargo: nm MexicansPet: you shit all over it MexicansPet: fine fuck you MexicansPet: i chose him MexicansPet: bye insanelargo: thats not what i meant insanelargo: sry.. iwas talking to cook insanelargo: dibs on your heart?.. last time i checked.. you wore a ring,, oh wait.. no u dont.. i do. you like this guy.. last time i check you where helping a man with a problem.. and you fall for him? i lost rachel. how do you see this as fine? MexicansPet: bye MexicansPet: im not staying with you insanelargo: what you cant talk to me either MexicansPet: just to continue to die inside insanelargo: i want to talk.. insanelargo: im trying insanelargo: your runnign insanelargo: why? insanelargo: i think you are lying MexicansPet: what you mean insanelargo: your lying.. theres something more insanelargo: i can tell insanelargo: besides i have already caught you in one insanelargo: now lets see the truth rachel MexicansPet: what insanelargo: why did you tell me about him MexicansPet: caught me in one insanelargo: why did you help him insanelargo: why did you think about him... insanelargo: why, when you know.. that i have an undying love for you MexicansPet: cuz he came over and i i felt for him his wife did the same to him you do to me MexicansPet: i could see it in his eyes insanelargo: why when i told you this year would be full of happy memories MexicansPet: that i used to see for you MexicansPet: riiight MexicansPet: it isnt MexicansPet: evry time you say that you fuck up insanelargo: no.. cause your runing again MexicansPet: threatning mt insanelargo: mt insanelargo: ? MexicansPet: what MexicansPet: i ment MexicansPet: you threatend me insanelargo: with what insanelargo: tell me rachel insanelargo: i recall the last time we talked all was good insanelargo: what happened insanelargo: tell me everything insanelargo: i want to know MexicansPet: you said i missed you again and all regret it and it be in my best intrest to be on again insanelargo: and you know why.. cause i was to be gone for a week insanelargo: a week!.. in a very hot place insanelargo: and you dint think that maybe you would like to say be safe right before i left insanelargo: i wanted to hear that from you insanelargo: i wanted to know that you cared.... MexicansPet: i do peter MexicansPet: but insanelargo: but you blew me off.. you turn off you phone now.. you dont answer you text anymore MexicansPet: there is just to much insanelargo: hell even cook called today to wake you MexicansPet: my phone is messed up insanelargo: no.. straight to voicemail MexicansPet: for the 100th time insanelargo: get a new one insanelargo: i dont care about the fucking money MexicansPet: i droped in the toilet MexicansPet: i have no money insanelargo: rachel go out and BUY A NEW ONE insanelargo: when you have the money insanelargo: hell JONs the one who 'gave' it to you insanelargo: if something is broken you fix it... MexicansPet: i just baught a car MexicansPet: i have no money insanelargo: i dont threaten to make you mad.. i want to make sure that your on when i can be... insanelargo: no money.. shouldnt you have asked before you did it insanelargo: you didnt insanelargo: i had to find out with a message on my yahoo... insanelargo: and thats something else... insanelargo: you leave.. nowing that im going to be on with a time frame and you dont leave me a message or your away message. you leave me off in the dark. at least when i miss you cause your sleeping or something.. i still leave a message for you MexicansPet: yes i am MexicansPet: mamaw called insanelargo: bet is nice to call people tooo MexicansPet: what the fuck does that mean insanelargo: um.. you still have not got me a card over the internet so i can call you.... like i asked when i first got here insanelargo: you said you wold insanelargo: would MexicansPet: peter MexicansPet: you took out MexicansPet: that money MexicansPet: why didnt you fucking do it insanelargo: i dont have my card number insanelargo: and i wanted you to do it for me insanelargo: that why... insanelargo: i thought you would and i could be like. she loves me insanelargo: besides the computers here are tooo slow MexicansPet: like i said i have no money insanelargo: but you did MexicansPet: for the 1ooth tine MexicansPet: i have to wait til the 13th MexicansPet: no i needed that car insanelargo: then use the money that you are puting away for me insanelargo: that should be like what 300 MexicansPet: ummm its all in bills in a dam piggy bank insanelargo: sooo break the dam piggy MexicansPet: fine give me the dam adress again MexicansPet: i have to go to the potty MexicansPet: brb insanelargo: no... use the money for a phone.. not me.. wait a bit for that. all i want is to be able to talk to my wife insanelargo: my lovely wife that i married on dec 22.04 insanelargo: my wife that loves animals as much as i do insanelargo: my wife that hate me looking at my anime lol insanelargo: my wife that sleeps next to me insanelargo: i want you.... as my wife rachel. and if that means i have to remarry you then. i will... insanelargo: it would be my honor to remarry you insanelargo: got 15 mins let insanelargo: left insanelargo: 8-) insanelargo: smily insanelargo: la la la.. time to pee insanelargo: la la la time to crap insanelargo: la la la.. time to hurt insanelargo: la la la.. time to love insanelargo: oh ah.. its a sont insanelargo: song insanelargo: wha wha ha insanelargo: im good MexicansPet: im back insanelargo: i gathered MexicansPet: ass insanelargo: um no.. i meant not to be.. why call me that insanelargo: ok like 10 mins left MexicansPet: ok MexicansPet: well you tell me this peter MexicansPet: will you change MexicansPet: i am not going to stop talking to him either MexicansPet: he has no idea how i feel insanelargo: ummm... MexicansPet: and all you are now in compitision for my heart peter insanelargo: ? MexicansPet: you have to fight for me now MexicansPet: he may take me from you insanelargo: oh... insanelargo: well then... ill have to think insanelargo: "la la la la la la la la la la la " insanelargo: <thinking MexicansPet: riiight insanelargo: no MexicansPet: what MexicansPet: no what insanelargo: ok.. ill fight for you.. but not against him. i dont care if he knows or dont knows about how you feel... i trust you.. but then again.. one wrong move its over.. and i mean over. your still married. i was ok with you helping him. but if it was the other way around i was talking to a girl you would give me no second look MexicansPet: well i dont treat you like that insanelargo: the chips are bigger then the bet MexicansPet: riiight MexicansPet: well here MexicansPet: your free of your dutys MexicansPet: we are over insanelargo: no MexicansPet: i want a divorce insanelargo: i dont what that either MexicansPet: yes MexicansPet: over MexicansPet: we are over insanelargo: i have to go now... can you be one around 8 pm your time or will you be helping him insanelargo: <pain slowly starts in once more MexicansPet: what MexicansPet: ill fucking be here MexicansPet: on aim insanelargo: yahoo MexicansPet: YAHOO ISNT WORKING insanelargo: ok now i want on insanelargo: one MexicansPet: how many times do i have to say shit to you insanelargo: this is two much for me to handle insanelargo: there happy.. i lost... i lost i lost... insanelargo: you win you win you win... MexicansPet: what do you mean insanelargo: i cant do this anymore MexicansPet: so its over? insanelargo: NO... insanelargo: we are going to start over MexicansPet: well what you mean i win MexicansPet: this isnt a game insanelargo: from the begining.. and your treating it like a game insanelargo: i want to be married to you... insanelargo: what part of that doesnt sink in? MexicansPet: um the part where you say you love me MexicansPet: then treat me like shit insanelargo: I LOVE YOU insanelargo: brb MexicansPet: k insanelargo: GOD DAMN IT MexicansPet: what insanelargo: i need something from you right now insanelargo: and i mean RIGHT NOW MexicansPet: what insanelargo: do you love me MexicansPet: yes insanelargo: do you want to stay with me? MexicansPet: yes insanelargo: do you want to be married to me? MexicansPet: yes insanelargo: can we drop all of this playing around to see who love who and who would do anything for the other person act? MexicansPet: im not going to stop seeing him insanelargo: will you stop liking him that way? MexicansPet: i cant stop that MexicansPet: but i can not act on it insanelargo: no no no.... damn it... insanelargo: im sry i have to cut this short MexicansPet: ok MexicansPet: bye insanelargo: ive just been told that i have to leave for a month MexicansPet: what you mean insanelargo: its nice to remember you tell me that you wont stop falling for someone for the next month MexicansPet: a month MexicansPet: omg MexicansPet: ok i wont see him MexicansPet: i promise insanelargo: yes a month.. a month where i wont be able to talk to you.. but always to remember you tell me that your fallling for another man MexicansPet: i said ill stop insanelargo: i love you umi insanelargo: im sry MexicansPet: plz be safe MexicansPet: plzzzzzzz MexicansPet: is it danguras insanelargo: what we have been told... very.. insanelargo: but ill have to convo to remind me that you love me MexicansPet: what you mean MexicansPet: peter i do love you MexicansPet: plzzz remember that MexicansPet: i wont leave you MexicansPet: i promise MexicansPet: will you be on tonight insanelargo: no... swear to me that you wont see him. that you wont leave me. that youll always be by my side insanelargo: swear on papaws name and honor MexicansPet: i promise MexicansPet: and you wont be on tonight ? insanelargo: rachel swear to me.. promises can be broken not a swear insanelargo: ill find a way to be on MexicansPet: ok MexicansPet: ill be on aim insanelargo: swear to me insanelargo: swear to me MexicansPet: i sewar insanelargo: ? MexicansPet: i swear insanelargo: thank you.. i love u umi MexicansPet: love you nomura
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Current Music:uter slince of my heart
Subject:the tears of the stars.. are sad...
Time:11:21 pm
Current Mood:distresseddistressed
about a two hours ago.. i ranted. and i thought all was said and done. but i guess not. Why one asks? well to begin with.. its females. that all. i walk into a room where there are guys talking about there wifes leaving them. and i used to say. ' man im glad thats not me." i saw it last time and i see it again. why is that women leave their husband after he left for duty? i have no answer. and i dont want one.

now to continue.

i ask not of forgives. i ask not of love.
i ask not of hope..... i ask not of light

but i ask for pain, for hurt
and i ask for dull sadness...

its it my life to suffer at my own hands? to 'reap what you sow' it looks that way. yes indeed it does. why. ones past has nothing to do with ones self. but it does make your future. and my past is wrong. very wrong. and the man i am now is that the man i thought i would be when i was ten. i thought i would be better at this game called life. only to find out that i have to 'reload my game' twice. it seems that my life will always end in pain and i fear that will be my last thought before i die. Why all the pain?

i can tell you why the pain. cause for those who hate me. for all those of you who think im an ass, jerk, dick and everything else under the sun. i am. i know i am. i can be too at times.

but i am still caring, loving, devoted, kindheart. and a few people can tell you that. i think its cause i still dont trust. why. am i afriad of myself. or maybe who i am?

i sit at my bed now.. thinking about what was happened to my life. what happend to the 'good' peter. what happened to me when i trusted God. Where did i just stray.. .. and turn my back.

am i still good at heart? i think so. i dont know anymore. i have many sins that i must forgive myself. not others forgive me. i hold on to those. why.. cause of the pain they bring to me when i think about them. im sick.. i know that. but why?

i want to know why?
i want to where?

can i be cleaned? i think so. i would hope i could clean my soul. but i think that will take a while. and i know i cant do it myself. i need help of people who love me.

my brother said today that i beat myself up cause if what i did with mindy and leane. he can tell why.. i dont know he know me. he also said that im still trying to repent. but he also said that one reason rachel brings it up is cause she hasnt.

i can understand all that. but i ask why.

i hurt too...

maybe people forgot.. that im still human.. and i still bleed.

maybe my blood is needed for my sins, like that of jesus. maybe i need time alone on a mountain top for guidness..

but maybe.. i just to go back to the beging...

with largo
without sin...
with blood
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Current Music:let the bodies hit the floor
Subject:sadness within
Time:09:08 pm
Current Mood:depresseddepressed
ok here is the scoop and trust me it is painfull.

well ive been here about 40 days, and things are different. new people, who by the way are asswholes. and the net place is being fried like crazy. Ive been out on partols along with fixing things. and so my days are long and very tiring. now what do you think i get when i talk to people?

ok im not the best husband nor the niciest man. i know that. and im trying to correct the mistakes that i have done. but then we have my wife. who i love very much.

today she said she is 'falling for another man'. um.. thinks a bit. i think thats cheating. ok. but here is the whole story. his wife left him and now he does coke. she met him at her friends kelly and he spent the night. well he's 'nice to her' and she starts falling for him? Come on.. now..me being where i am.. do you think that is news that i want to hear. Um.. no. i fact im quite mad about the whole thing.

But do i have the right to be mad? lets vote. ill let the readers vote. Or do i have to sit a watch all of this? What do i do? for i am lost. i love my wife. very much soo.. i love her dearly. I was ok with her helping a man over come his coke thingy... but this.... i dont know what to say. im lost with out her. i know i am. but do i deserive this? I think i do. im not sure. what are you doing to me God?



"i dont what to lose her.. please.. i love her.. more then anything in the world. i would be nothing without her. let me keep my umi, my rachy, my lilmoon.. please..."
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Current Music:i stand alone Godsmack
Subject:"pain cum slut"
Time:06:12 pm
Current Mood:crankycranky
its different to love someone and then hurt them. i know. ive been there and done that. am i wrong? somepeople think so. somethings i dont see myself doing it. Dom. Sub. what are they? are they people or are they a title? to me, they are both. a dom is a title and yet a person. a sub is a title and a person as well. we may never see eye to eye. but somewhere we do see each other.

over the past few years, my life was been ok. more or less. then why do things change when one leaves? on a trip or overseas. i think, that this year, loved or not.. it will change me. it was alrighty. people of a different place live and work with us. like when im out and moving with my tankers, side by side, i wonder... why are we doing this? and then i remember a day in history that i will never forget. 9/11. a day when we all cant forget. and with that one day, changed my ideas of war. im also here cause, well.. im nothing else. i want people to be proud of me. to understand that i do care for them. instead im looked down upon. i dont know why. what is it about me that people hate sooo much. like this past week...

rachy. my wife. whom i love without ever stopping. it seems as thu when i try, she turns me down. when i cry she hits me harder. like today. she told me that another man smacked her ass ( whom i will deal with when i get home.) and i wanted to know why. in the end.. she said good bye. like in the Good Bye voice. the one all people hate to hear. and sure i said a few mean things. but when a person pulls a double shift cause there are not enough people to rotate on protals or guard, he will be alittle tired, pissed to begin with. then why would you start with him? or like the other day, her dad beat her bro and sis, ( whom i also plan to deal with) and in the end, it was like in the one who beat them.

in the end... am i a dom or a sub? do i take orders from rachy? or am i not strong enough to control my sub? i know im no man, but when you walk over the grave of a dead man, your dead too.

here in iraq, im alone... all but the thoughts of my loved ones.
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[icon] "No one understands the tears of gentle people"
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